Lára Hanna Einarsdóttir

2.3.2008

John Cleese ávarpar Bandaríkjamenn

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd willbe a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

Meginflokkur: Bloggar | Aukaflokkar: Dægurmál, Spaugilegt, Stjórnmál og samfélag | Breytt s.d. kl. 15:08 | Facebook

Athugasemdir

Hólmdís Hjartardóttir, 2.3.2008 kl. 15:03

Lumarðu á fleiri góðum KaupThing auglýsingum?

Ásgeir Kristinn Lárusson, 2.3.2008 kl. 15:40

alltaf góður :)

Óskar Þorkelsson, 2.3.2008 kl. 15:44

Hágrátandi 'znillderí' !!!

Steingrímur Helgason, 2.3.2008 kl. 23:00

Þetta er tær snilld hjá karlinum - ef hann skrifaði þetta í raun sjálfur sem ég veit ekkert um. Sá þetta einhvers staðar á netinu og stal umsvifalaust.

Nei, Ásgeir, ég á engar KaupThing auglýsingar og viðurkenni hér og nú að ég hef fordóma gagnvart þeim og fleiri af svipuðum toga. Ég get rétt ímyndað mér þær fjárhæðir sem slíkar auglýsingar kosta og bankarnir hafa dælt þeim frá sér eins og á færibandi. Nú væla þeir um slæmt gengi og verið er að tala um að ríkið hjálpi til - þ.e. við skattborgararnir sem erum tiltölulega nýbúin að upplifa það að þeim var stolið af okkur með blessun þáverandi ríkisstjórnar sem að hluta til er enn við stjórn. Og víð þurfum að borga himinháa vexti sem hvergi fyrirfinnast í hinum frjálsa heimi. Frjálshyggjupostularnir eru nógu fljótir að emja og kveina yfir ríkisafskiptum eða samkeppni ríkisins en vilja svo hlaupa undir pilsfaldinn þegar kreppir að. Fussumsvei!

Lára Hanna Einarsdóttir, 2.3.2008 kl. 23:09

Gaman að rekast á þig Lára Hanna. Einkum er ég hrifin af umhverfisjónarmiðum þinum sem vísast eru þér mikilvægri með hverjum deginum. Og ekki efast ég um að kært er þér að verja þetta land fyrir spjöllum eins og þú sýndir snildarlega fram á svart á hvítu með myndum af olíuferlíkjum víða um heim og til samanburðar ómengaða firði og djúpa dali sem hvergi eiga sína líka

Svo mikið er víst að mér varð illt við þá tilhugsun að þannig ferlíki leggi í rúst það sem Vestfiringar standa fyrir og eru svo stoltir af; þeirra hjatfólgnu náttúruperlu, Vestfirðina eins og þeir leggja sig. Býst við að afstaða þin hafi harðnað eftir að þú fórst að horfa landið gesta þinna.

Á mig hafði þessi samantekt mikil áhrif. Ég mun ekki sitja þegjandi hjá heldur berjast fyrir ómengaðri, hreinni náttúrufegurð sem hvarvetna birtist manni vestra. Hvað annað fengi mann til að aka fjögur hundruð kílómetra á einum degi nokkru sinnum á sumri? Ó nei ekki neitt nema tilhugunin um að eiga í vændum að upplifa friðinn fjölbreytta náttúruna og dýrðina allt um kring. Það má aldrei verða að þessari perlu verði fórnað fyrir spúandi ólíuskrímsli sem eftir nýjabrumið yrði líklega mönnuð að mestu með innfluttu vinnuafli.

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Forvitna blaðakonan, 3.3.2008 kl. 02:56